hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
