that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
