I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You left your phone here
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