Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
