FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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