Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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