So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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