My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
