I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
