to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
