I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize