Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Someone signed my nipple.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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