Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
