Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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