he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
