please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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