I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
