On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize