You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
