I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
