Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
