hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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