Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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