she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
