It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
