id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
