Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
worst night to have a conscience
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
