There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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