I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
