just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
