Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Come on in and take your pants off
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