This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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