it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
