I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
