Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
