Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
