Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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