Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
