At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish you could order shots online.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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