I faked an abortion last night.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
