If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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