My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
