I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
