bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
