it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
