he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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