i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
