Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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