Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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