if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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