the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
