I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
