I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
