She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
