I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
