So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
