maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
