Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
